Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
You Might Also Like
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.