A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.