This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
how long have you had this for?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.