My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still