I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
You Might Also Like
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.