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Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
be careful
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
is this how new cars are made??
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
What the hell happened in there??
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
cats when you pet them too long:
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.