I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.