My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
You Might Also Like
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.