Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
all that yoga finally paid off
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.