Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
is nasa ok
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.