Hey! This isn’t my car!
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.