If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You Might Also Like
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER