69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The glockness monster
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
umm…
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
getting old is fun
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.