If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
is this a warning or an offer?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!