I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Happy thanksgiving
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”