I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*limbos away from your hug*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Weirdly Wednesday.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out