When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
2023 was just a warmup
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
This dude got his own movie?