Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”