The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
*pronounces surface like Versace*
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Seek kebab; not attention
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”