I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
You Might Also Like
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
this post was so formative to me
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you