put ‘er there pardner!
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting