My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not