The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
why isn’t he texting back
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target