I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note