Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Google assistant rules