Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Good morning, Twitter x
Dishonest mechanic?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats