You Might Also Like
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
This is Sparta
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train