A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent