doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.