5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW