Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas