CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?