I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!