Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.