Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that