People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.