The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.