I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
#Caturday
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
this is how life feels
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
TRAIN’S HERE
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.