Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.