Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Wait for it
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old