My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.