OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Woke up against my better judgement again
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee