*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit