SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.