thank god
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I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
No Google it does not
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Perfect.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids