If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.