Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
The Sun’s probably Asian.