I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.