90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.