“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
#Caturday
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Not today
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.